TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely outside of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he ought to halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Trump Tower Damascus Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a function remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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